Memory Lane: Douche-Baggery!

It was only four years ago that then Senator Joe Biden faced off against then Governor Sarah Palin in the 2008 Vice Presidential debate.  Joe won the debate handily, underscoring the necessity of aerial hunting of dimwitted evangelicals who have wandered out onto the political plain.  Let's take a look back at that time to see how far we've come... and how the political right has disproven the theory of evolution - because they clearly have never evolved.

Douche-Baggery
- Originally posted October 21, 2008 -

Today Sarah Palin displayed further evidence of douche-baggery when she responded to a question about what the Vice President of the United States does.  She vomited forth some bubbly simplistic (all be it utterly wrong) response about how the VP is "in charge of the U.S. Senate" and then followed up that little gem by dry heaving some nonsense about the VP getting "in with the senators to make a lot of good policy changes".  Add this latest foppish dabbling to Palin’s abysmally flawed experience and intellect ("Hey look, it’s Russia!") as well as her Reebok tainted breath when she starts in with "real" and "pro-America"; and no matter how you add up her variables, you still arrive at the sum of "douche bag" (and possibly even "douche bag to the power of 10").  And the fact that I’ve now likened Palin’s nonsense to mathematics, has thoroughly set me off! 

To take this further (as a response to douche-baggery surely must incur) Sarah Palin is the cloying pedant in search of idiotically proportioned structure.  She revels in a benevolent yet malignant ignorance that comes with the Marauding Right Wing secret handbook that teaches people how to code and decode messages with meddlesome worry and doublespeak.  The Douche Bag’s Secret to Political Success is a one themed, single tasked, how-to.  It teaches one to remember and regurgitate in any number of possible variations: "That guy over there says you’re all [insert here: "stupid", "un-patriotic", "angry", "misguided", etc...] but I don’t think so."  We’ve seen this technique before.  It’s what George Bush perfected in his runs for President in 2000 and 2004.  It’s an easy game to play.  Whatever your opponent says, admonish them for somehow attacking regular people.  Some made-up examples could consist of:

Opponent: "Americans are hungry for change."
Response: "Americans should be free to decide for themselves what they feed their families.  Do you really want big government telling you what to eat?  I trust Americans to do the right thing."

 

Opponent: "We need a comprehensive plan for energy independence."
Response: "To somehow imply that Americans aren’t independent, and comprehensively so already, goes against everything this great nation stands for."

 

Opponent: "The United States is facing the largest financial crisis since the Great Depression."
Response: "This is the greatest nation the world has ever known.  And quite frankly, to say that Americans can’t somehow beat this crisis because they’re depressed is an affront to the hardworking men and women who are the backbone of our economy." 

Opponent: "America can’t drill its way out of this energy crisis."
Response: "When I hear someone say "America can’t...", I wonder how they can look themselves in the mirror and honestly say they’re an American.  We are a nation of doers and when I hear my opponent saying America can’t because Americans are somehow lazy or something, well that is frankly irresponsible and out of touch and really just riles me up.  We built the Hoover Dam; we beat fascism; we went to the moon; we won the cold war... so don’t tell me America can’t do something when we’ve proven time and again that we can do anything!" 

I swear, it’s like combating the argument skills of a know-it-all twelve year old.  You’re twelve, you don’t know anything!  Look, the bible may say something about "And a child shall lead them" (and boy is that overused in everything from entertainment to political agendas), but it didn’t say anything about middle-aged morons with the mind of a child.   And this is where I’m obligated to say something about: "Oh, children are actually pretty smart." – Bullshit!  Children are children.  They’re still learning about everything and have too few life experiences to make decisions for the rest of us.  Sure some children are a little more adept at building and defending a pillow fort, but none of them should be in command of an actual unit of Marines.  Until a child can read and understand the works of Nietzsche and honestly look me in the eye and say, "You know what, I get it, but this dude is a fuckin jerk!", then they’re not qualified to be running for office, let alone be in office.

So, to Sarah Palin and her douche-baggered, ass-hattedness, I think the comparison of her to mathematics, or geometry in particular, is not at all out of line.  Remember Geometry?  Remember this kind of shit:

Question: Below is a picture of a triangle.  Can you prove why it is a triangle based on the information given?

Answer:  Okay, here’s the proof: You just fucking called it a triangle in the sentence above!  What more proof do you need you goddamned, self aggrandizing, value prescribing, number handing, circular logically tail eating, lying when you say "this will come in handy in life", inflictor of flatus?!

 

In any event: math freakin sucks and so does Sarah Palin.  Now, as far as that tying into the whole douche-baggery bit, I should think it’s mathematically evident in every open-ended, and not altogether un-tautologically sound thing I’ve just stated:  Sarah Palin is a freakin douche bag.  A moronic, colossally ideological simpleton, douche bag of the highest order.  She is a fuckwit aspiring to be a halfwit.  She is a clueless crap-mouth who is nodding off while driving under the speed limit in the left lane while hauling children sitting on crates of old sweaty dynamite.  You know what, forget it, she's not a douche bag.  A douche bag, by it's very nature, implies that there is something cleansing in its medicinal applications.  There is nothing clean about Sarah Palin.  In fact, when it comes to Sarah Palin: yeah, that stain doesn't come out.  

My apologies for the tirade.  But thank you for letting me get that off my chest.