What is it with some people? You know the kind, who do something
because it’s a challenge. Isn’t life a big enough challenge these
days? Hell, surviving a CBS sitcom is a challenge. Paying your
bills is a challenge. Getting laid is a challenge... for some it’s a
freakin quest for the Grail! Look, when someone says they’re looking for
a challenge, tell them to come up with the money to pay your rent because
you’re about "challenged-out."
But it’s Halloween and that’s got to be one of the greatest holidays there is (though I never got Halloween off... I bet you they get it off up in Canada). I mean, what is it about Halloween that makes it so great and why do we have a fascination with horror movies and scary things?
I don’t know, but, who needs Halloween to walk among the freaks when you’ve got every day to spend with some of the scariest people there are. Just look around you.
You know, I once had a substitute teacher who eventually went to jail for murdering her husband over a hamburger. I also knew a guy who used to think Uma Thurman was talking to him through his electric razor, so he would shoot off guns to drown her out. Then there was the guy in Chem Lab who put hydrochloric acid on his arm to get rid of a mole (yeah, suddenly that forty bucks you dropped for those goggles and lab coat, you were bitchin about, didn’t seem expensive enough!). When the acid didn’t work, he filleted his arm with a hunting knife instead.
I knew a girl who could smoke a cigarette through her tear duct. I also knew a guy who used to write out checks to himself… for sex. My sister had a friend who slept with a Professor to get a better grade… "Lolita" passed with a D-. There was also this guy who tried to impress some girls by doing some push-ups. "Mr. Lalane" ruptured his hernia and the only thing impressive was that he managed to use his index finger to keep his intestines from popping out.
Or what could be scarier than Anna Nicole Smith producing and starring in a movie? Want to see something really scary this Halloween? Watch one of her films.
Or what about the mind-blowing success of David Hasselhoff? The German equivalent of Jerry Lewis spends more time with half naked women than a mirror in a Victoria’s Secret dressing room… and he calls it work! Not only that, the "phenomenon that is Hasselhoff" can carry more money around in his pocket than you owe in student loans... and thinks he deserves it! And he’s not exactly Charles Atlas either. I’ve got two words for him: "home" and "gym." Now, I do this out of love because I’ll admit, I was a faithful follower of the "Member’s Only" jacket movement piloted bravely by Michael Knight in his trusty car, KITT. But, I’ll tell you this, if I had to walk around with my shirt off (and LA is happy that I don’t) with a bunch of top-heavy women glued inside their bathing suits - in front of a camera - I would spend more time at Gold’s than the linger of body odor does.
But it’s Halloween and that’s got to be one of the greatest holidays there is (though I never got Halloween off... I bet you they get it off up in Canada). I mean, what is it about Halloween that makes it so great and why do we have a fascination with horror movies and scary things?
I don’t know, but, who needs Halloween to walk among the freaks when you’ve got every day to spend with some of the scariest people there are. Just look around you.
You know, I once had a substitute teacher who eventually went to jail for murdering her husband over a hamburger. I also knew a guy who used to think Uma Thurman was talking to him through his electric razor, so he would shoot off guns to drown her out. Then there was the guy in Chem Lab who put hydrochloric acid on his arm to get rid of a mole (yeah, suddenly that forty bucks you dropped for those goggles and lab coat, you were bitchin about, didn’t seem expensive enough!). When the acid didn’t work, he filleted his arm with a hunting knife instead.
I knew a girl who could smoke a cigarette through her tear duct. I also knew a guy who used to write out checks to himself… for sex. My sister had a friend who slept with a Professor to get a better grade… "Lolita" passed with a D-. There was also this guy who tried to impress some girls by doing some push-ups. "Mr. Lalane" ruptured his hernia and the only thing impressive was that he managed to use his index finger to keep his intestines from popping out.
Or what could be scarier than Anna Nicole Smith producing and starring in a movie? Want to see something really scary this Halloween? Watch one of her films.
Or what about the mind-blowing success of David Hasselhoff? The German equivalent of Jerry Lewis spends more time with half naked women than a mirror in a Victoria’s Secret dressing room… and he calls it work! Not only that, the "phenomenon that is Hasselhoff" can carry more money around in his pocket than you owe in student loans... and thinks he deserves it! And he’s not exactly Charles Atlas either. I’ve got two words for him: "home" and "gym." Now, I do this out of love because I’ll admit, I was a faithful follower of the "Member’s Only" jacket movement piloted bravely by Michael Knight in his trusty car, KITT. But, I’ll tell you this, if I had to walk around with my shirt off (and LA is happy that I don’t) with a bunch of top-heavy women glued inside their bathing suits - in front of a camera - I would spend more time at Gold’s than the linger of body odor does.
But, maybe the scariest thing is that we turn our heads to the things that have real meaning. Like Halloween itself. We can so easily forget someone else’s plight while we ponder if we should spend the extra bucks to get the pumpkin beer at the microbrewery or to stick with the tried and true on our journey to the perfect Halloween bender. Look, Halloween is about being alive in the face of death. It’s a celebration of two different realms that move in tandem and touch in the middle, if for only one night out of the year... or for one moment in a lifetime. Where the dead and the living wander the earth together wondering the same thing: "How the hell did I get here?"
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