The American Honored Service Act

Being an armchair politician as well as a daydreamer, I often find myself thinking: “If I were President, I would…” Today, it would seem, is no different.  With all the talk about stop losses, deplorable conditions, casualty rates, and GI Bills, I felt like proposing my own legislation to honor those who serve this country.

With so many promises made, and so few of them kept, it’s time we establish the honor that we proclaim, by serving those who so nobly serve us.  I am hereby proposing my own legislation to whatever body politic will give it consideration (knowing full well that a lack of consideration is not only the possibility, but also the likelier).  Herewith is what I am calling: The American Honored Service Act.

Those brave men and women serving in America’s armed services shall receive treatment and care befitting heroes. The American Honored Service Act will effectively end the trials and tribulations associated with an unfair process that unduly burdens those who will, and who have, endured so much.  With the highest gratitude of a grateful nation, The American Honored Service Act will:

  1.  Automatically exempt all service personnel and their families and survivors from federal taxation in perpetuity when service has occurred in a forward combat area, police action, state of war, or security situation, etc...

  2.  Implement “Soldier Assurance” whereby any guard or reservist personnel called to duty for a forward or combat situation will receive mandatory proper training equivalent to that of the regular/standard armed services branch requirements (emergency exempt).  Placing men and women in combat requires proper training and equipment.

  3.  Equalization of combat pay and benefits regardless of standing in the guard or reserves or regular/career service. Placing men and women in combat requires equal pay for equal risk.

  4.  Provide expedited citizenship status for non-citizens serving in uniform with instant status to any personnel serving in a forward or combat situation or such voluntary personnel serving in the branches of the Armed Forces.

  5.  Establish the “Buddy System” whereby all service animals who are injured or retiring are given the same exemplary care and opportunities to live out their days in the peace and comfort for which they have sacrificed.  The Buddy System will allow for: 

  A.  Expedited adoption services with service handler and service handler families given first position to adopt

  B.  Allow for ease of transition to peacetime service in the public or private sector here at home

  C.  Promote similar American Honored Service Act healthcare for service animals whereby service assures veterinary care free of expense to owners 

  6.  Establishes the “Ribbons Plan” (“Ribbons”) for service personnel and their families during tours of duty by providing for:

  A.  Protection from seizure and foreclosure of homes and assets (with greater legal repercussions for predatory lending and unethical financial practices by banks, lenders, businesses, and organizations)

  B.  Exemption of all service personnel and their families from federal taxation during active duty and deployment

  C.  Immediate qualification for and greater and more immediate access to service benefits and federal assistance programs to the families of service personnel

  7.  Institute the “In Arms” program which will:

  A.  Assure quick and thorough evaluation and assessment of all returning service personnel with special attention to any and all personnel who are physically or mentally injured/disabled as a result of combat

  B.  Consolidate all medical records into a single system that provides instant ease of overall evaluation of personnel for the purposes of:

   I.  assuring ongoing quality healthcare for service personnel and their families

  II.  implementing expedited benefit and disability coverage for personnel and their families

 III.  streamlining and eliminating the taxing paperwork and campaigning processes endured by veterans and their families seeking the benefits deserved

  C.  Permanently eliminate and dismiss any bills, costs, hidden fees expenses of any kind associated with care received at any stage by an injured service person whether such services are received through public, state or federal hospitals, facilities or clinics, etc...

  D.  Establish the "Open System" whereby veterans are provided 100% cost-free medical care (including trauma, rehabilitation, general medical, pharmaceutical, counseling, ongoing and long term care) at any and every public medical facility of any type (for profit or not for profit hospitals, clinics, surgical centers, etc…) in the country. Healthcare providers of such care shall receive compensation from the government as per Medicare and Medicaid, with particular financial incentives to those healthcare facilities providing cost-free care of their own accord and merit, (in short: a hospital that provides free of charge service without seeking recompense from the government, shall be eligible for incentives such as greater tax incentives or preferred care status, grants for improvements and personnel hiring, etc...). 

  E.  Increase funding for all existing Veterans Administration facilities to assure a greater quality of general and specialized service for all veterans

  F.  Increase funding for services for displaced and homeless veterans including housing placement, job placement, and continuing medical access and treatment

  G.  Assure that any funeral expenses are paid with rapidity and ease and without burden to families at a cost of 100% for suitable expenses  

  H.  Ease the process of claiming and receiving survivors and spouse benefits.  These benefits should be automatic and instantaneous as part of the return service to those who have given their lives.  In short: no survivors should have to endure endless paperwork and overcoming egregious obstacles to receive the dignity for which his/her loved one has fought.

  I.  Create the “Medical Exchange Directive” (MED) in conjunction with private and public interests whereby educational programs (medical schools, universities, colleges, etc…) provide education through on-site service to veterans institutions and organizations for all healthcare students seeking such educational and training opportunities within the VA system.  MED will increase the number of medical personnel in VA facilities and thereby increase the level of care for veterans while providing educational opportunities for a greater number of potentially specialized healthcare personnel.  With a further commitment of VA service by such healthcare students, partial or complete education debt forgiveness could further incentivize service and assure quality of care.

  J.  Establish the “Veterans Advocacy Program” which will work within the VA system as well as the private and public sectors to assure all veterans and their families of assistance at all stages of matters regarding job placement, medical and mental rehabilitation, counseling, and veterans disabilities and benefits management

  K.  Establish the “Family Service Plan” which automatically provides and protects service personnel and their spouses, children, and relatives with the ability to take paid time off from work and/or school without retribution or recourse to employment or enrollment.  Such days shall first be established as a general amount, with incremental increases depending on length of service, length of deployment/time spent away, family member status, and physical/mental status of the returning individual service person.  

Memory Lane: Douche-Baggery!

It was only four years ago that then Senator Joe Biden faced off against then Governor Sarah Palin in the 2008 Vice Presidential debate.  Joe won the debate handily, underscoring the necessity of aerial hunting of dimwitted evangelicals who have wandered out onto the political plain.  Let's take a look back at that time to see how far we've come... and how the political right has disproven the theory of evolution - because they clearly have never evolved.

Douche-Baggery
- Originally posted October 21, 2008 -

Today Sarah Palin displayed further evidence of douche-baggery when she responded to a question about what the Vice President of the United States does.  She vomited forth some bubbly simplistic (all be it utterly wrong) response about how the VP is "in charge of the U.S. Senate" and then followed up that little gem by dry heaving some nonsense about the VP getting "in with the senators to make a lot of good policy changes".  Add this latest foppish dabbling to Palin’s abysmally flawed experience and intellect ("Hey look, it’s Russia!") as well as her Reebok tainted breath when she starts in with "real" and "pro-America"; and no matter how you add up her variables, you still arrive at the sum of "douche bag" (and possibly even "douche bag to the power of 10").  And the fact that I’ve now likened Palin’s nonsense to mathematics, has thoroughly set me off! 

To take this further (as a response to douche-baggery surely must incur) Sarah Palin is the cloying pedant in search of idiotically proportioned structure.  She revels in a benevolent yet malignant ignorance that comes with the Marauding Right Wing secret handbook that teaches people how to code and decode messages with meddlesome worry and doublespeak.  The Douche Bag’s Secret to Political Success is a one themed, single tasked, how-to.  It teaches one to remember and regurgitate in any number of possible variations: "That guy over there says you’re all [insert here: "stupid", "un-patriotic", "angry", "misguided", etc...] but I don’t think so."  We’ve seen this technique before.  It’s what George Bush perfected in his runs for President in 2000 and 2004.  It’s an easy game to play.  Whatever your opponent says, admonish them for somehow attacking regular people.  Some made-up examples could consist of:

Opponent: "Americans are hungry for change."
Response: "Americans should be free to decide for themselves what they feed their families.  Do you really want big government telling you what to eat?  I trust Americans to do the right thing."

 

Opponent: "We need a comprehensive plan for energy independence."
Response: "To somehow imply that Americans aren’t independent, and comprehensively so already, goes against everything this great nation stands for."

 

Opponent: "The United States is facing the largest financial crisis since the Great Depression."
Response: "This is the greatest nation the world has ever known.  And quite frankly, to say that Americans can’t somehow beat this crisis because they’re depressed is an affront to the hardworking men and women who are the backbone of our economy." 

Opponent: "America can’t drill its way out of this energy crisis."
Response: "When I hear someone say "America can’t...", I wonder how they can look themselves in the mirror and honestly say they’re an American.  We are a nation of doers and when I hear my opponent saying America can’t because Americans are somehow lazy or something, well that is frankly irresponsible and out of touch and really just riles me up.  We built the Hoover Dam; we beat fascism; we went to the moon; we won the cold war... so don’t tell me America can’t do something when we’ve proven time and again that we can do anything!" 

I swear, it’s like combating the argument skills of a know-it-all twelve year old.  You’re twelve, you don’t know anything!  Look, the bible may say something about "And a child shall lead them" (and boy is that overused in everything from entertainment to political agendas), but it didn’t say anything about middle-aged morons with the mind of a child.   And this is where I’m obligated to say something about: "Oh, children are actually pretty smart." – Bullshit!  Children are children.  They’re still learning about everything and have too few life experiences to make decisions for the rest of us.  Sure some children are a little more adept at building and defending a pillow fort, but none of them should be in command of an actual unit of Marines.  Until a child can read and understand the works of Nietzsche and honestly look me in the eye and say, "You know what, I get it, but this dude is a fuckin jerk!", then they’re not qualified to be running for office, let alone be in office.

So, to Sarah Palin and her douche-baggered, ass-hattedness, I think the comparison of her to mathematics, or geometry in particular, is not at all out of line.  Remember Geometry?  Remember this kind of shit:

Question: Below is a picture of a triangle.  Can you prove why it is a triangle based on the information given?

Answer:  Okay, here’s the proof: You just fucking called it a triangle in the sentence above!  What more proof do you need you goddamned, self aggrandizing, value prescribing, number handing, circular logically tail eating, lying when you say "this will come in handy in life", inflictor of flatus?!

 

In any event: math freakin sucks and so does Sarah Palin.  Now, as far as that tying into the whole douche-baggery bit, I should think it’s mathematically evident in every open-ended, and not altogether un-tautologically sound thing I’ve just stated:  Sarah Palin is a freakin douche bag.  A moronic, colossally ideological simpleton, douche bag of the highest order.  She is a fuckwit aspiring to be a halfwit.  She is a clueless crap-mouth who is nodding off while driving under the speed limit in the left lane while hauling children sitting on crates of old sweaty dynamite.  You know what, forget it, she's not a douche bag.  A douche bag, by it's very nature, implies that there is something cleansing in its medicinal applications.  There is nothing clean about Sarah Palin.  In fact, when it comes to Sarah Palin: yeah, that stain doesn't come out.  

My apologies for the tirade.  But thank you for letting me get that off my chest.

Truly Scary!

What is it with some people?  You know the kind, who do something because it’s a challenge.  Isn’t life a big enough challenge these days?  Hell, surviving a CBS sitcom is a challenge.  Paying your bills is a challenge.  Getting laid is a challenge... for some it’s a freakin quest for the Grail!  Look, when someone says they’re looking for a challenge, tell them to come up with the money to pay your rent because you’re about "challenged-out."

But it’s Halloween and that’s got to be one of the greatest holidays there is (though I never got Halloween off... I bet you they get it off up in Canada).  I mean, what is it about Halloween that makes it so great and why do we have a fascination with horror movies and scary things?
 
I don’t know, but, who needs Halloween to walk among the freaks when you’ve got every day to spend with some of the scariest people there are.  Just look around you.
 
You know, I once had a substitute teacher who eventually went to jail for murdering her husband over a hamburger.  I also knew a guy who used to think Uma Thurman was talking to him through his electric razor, so he would shoot off guns to drown her out.  Then there was the guy in Chem Lab who put hydrochloric acid on his arm to get rid of a mole (yeah, suddenly that forty bucks you dropped for those goggles and lab coat, you were bitchin about, didn’t seem expensive enough!).  When the acid didn’t work, he filleted his arm with a hunting knife instead.

I knew a girl who could smoke a cigarette through her tear duct.  I also knew a guy who used to write out checks to himself… for sex.  My sister had a friend who slept with a Professor to get a better grade… "Lolita" passed with a D-.  There was also this guy who tried to impress some girls by doing some push-ups.  "Mr. Lalane" ruptured his hernia and the only thing impressive was that he managed to use his index finger to keep his intestines from popping out.

Or what could be scarier than Anna Nicole Smith producing and starring in a movie?  Want to see something really scary this Halloween?  Watch one of her films.
 
Or what about the mind-blowing success of David Hasselhoff?  The German equivalent of Jerry Lewis spends more time with half naked women than a mirror in a Victoria’s Secret dressing room… and he calls it work!  Not only that, the "phenomenon that is Hasselhoff" can carry more money around in his pocket than you owe in student loans... and thinks he deserves it!  And he’s not exactly Charles Atlas either.  I’ve got two words for him: "home" and "gym."  Now, I do this out of love because I’ll admit, I was a faithful follower of the "Member’s Only" jacket movement piloted bravely by Michael Knight in his trusty car, KITT.  But, I’ll tell you this, if I had to walk around with my shirt off (and LA is happy that I don’t) with a bunch of top-heavy women glued inside their bathing suits - in front of a camera - I would spend more time at Gold’s than the linger of body odor does.  

But, maybe the scariest thing is that we turn our heads to the things that have real meaning.  Like Halloween itself.  We can so easily forget someone else’s plight while we ponder if we should spend the extra bucks to get the pumpkin beer at the microbrewery or to stick with the tried and true on our journey to the perfect Halloween bender.  Look, Halloween is about being alive in the face of death.  It’s a celebration of two different realms that move in tandem and touch in the middle, if for only one night out of the year... or for one moment in a lifetime.  Where the dead and the living wander the earth together wondering the same thing: "How the hell did I get here?"

 

A Halloween Warning!: Transylvanian Hashish

News Alert!

With Halloween approaching, tales of the strange and unusual are upon us.  But few may be aware of the seasonal bizarre stories which happen to also be true.  I'm not talking about the old razor blade in an apple or being pushed off the train tracks by some mysterious force, kind of stuff.  I'm speaking of the newest designer drug: "Transylvanian Hashish".  The rapidly growing popularity of this illicit narcotic comes in many forms and is considered the "Original Vampire" of hashish (hashish being the resin taken from the flowering female cannabis plant).  Also known as: "Monster Hash", "Hash 'n Taters", "Hangin Hash", "Van Helsing's Belt", "Wolfe Weed", "Frankenstoke", "Mina-Mush", "Harry-Hash", "Pagan Puff", "Bite-Bite", "Coffin Cud", "Brams-Toker", "Bride's Bud", "Frau Blucher Blow", "Lady Lucy", and "T" (when it's laced with cough medicine), Transylvanian hash is a very potent drug in any form and highly addictive (with most users becoming hooked even before their first time). 

Also the most expensive drug in the history of drug trafficking, Transylvanian Hashish is typically cut with goat droppings (to enhance the smell and taste) and is an extremely sought after euphoric high - demand for which, has spread throughout the world.  The forms of ingesting this drug are typical for other forms of hashish (smoking, drinking, or eating, etc...), but the resulting hallucinogenic high that results from these particular Transylvanian plants goes far beyond the harmless, humorous munchies of simple potheads or wastoids.  The extreme need to feed on junk food seems to become intertwined in the hallucinations themselves.  A hapless convenience store or fast food chain worker could find themselves a participant in an elaborate storyline wrought from the imagination of someone on Frankenstoke.  Last week in Watcheetum, Georgia it took three sheriff's deputies to subdue a man who was high on "T".  With candy corns affixed to his incisors, the man took a female checker hostage at the local Piggly Wiggly and attempted to barricade himself behind a fortress of frozen pizzas.  The deputies also pulled a half-dazed female Sonic restaurant employee from the trunk of the man's car where she lay among several hundred "Grab-Bags" of Doritos and a Slurpee machine taken from the Texaco Stop n' Pack up the street.  And while no one was seriously injured this time, the dangers simply cannot be dismissed.  So, this Halloween season, we encourage people to remain extra vigilant and stay on the lookout for Transylvanian Hashish. 

With the intrigue of the name "Transylvanian Hashish" and its obvious horror film implications, peddlers and pushers have developed street lingo to entice would-be users to the drug.  If someone asks you to do any of the following, then he/she may be trying to sell you Transylvanian Hash:

"Freak the Frau"
"Get Batty"
"Flee the flames"
"Smoke a blunt with a blind monk"
"Shave a back"
"Take a ride to the top of the tower"
"Ride the lightning"
"Drool like Drakule"
"Suck a peasant"
"Get off at the next stop"
"Shoot silver"
"Rest in Peace" or "RIP it"
"Send for the Professor"
"Tour the mansion"
"Grab a bite"
"Cuddle with the Count"
"Cook the Castle"
"Get in the Van"
"Ride with Helsing"
"Dangle the Doc"

"Cap a cuspid"
"Lose your head"
"Grab a stake and taters"
"Go to the dogs"
"Sass Satan"
"Bag a fat chick"

"Torch the green guy"
"Go check Lucy"
"Have a nice night"

A list of corporations, organizations, and individuals thought or even known (but unsubstantiated) to have ties with the Transylvanian Hashish trade:

Famous Amos
Breyer's Corporation
Southern Comfort Distilleries
Rigamarole's "Rasta Brownie Half-baked" Convections Co.
The City of Amsterdam
Flagon's Dental and Prostheses of Northern Watcheetum
The Vatican
Wolfgang Puck
Toblerone (a division of Kraft Foods, Inc.)
The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading Organization
Parker Brothers
The International Olympic Committee

This has been a public service announcement – useless, though it may have been.

Pure Poetry: Err on a Lengthy Pantaloon

Today I found not in my shoe,

But rather in my stepping,

A lack of comfort without a clue,

A garb that was not fetching.

That feeling upon my inner thighs,

Turned out was rather wrong.

The friction that did give rise,

To an inseam that was too long.

And upon my stopping,

I felt that eyes were locking,

To survey the discomfort,

Upon my boat-side port.

For my fashionable pants with ironed crease,

Were none too much with a droopy seat.

So here I ponder,

Rather walking or rest,

The loin that wanders,

And gone unpressed.

Against a pant that’s not fitting,

Nor a leg that’s not gripping,

But a quirky sense that is uneasy,

For pair of pants far too breezy.

Entitled: Old West Proctologist

"Old West Proctologist: A Fist Full of Hollers"

Mixed Nuts

 Charlton

“So I told them, ‘You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, dead hand.’”

Ted

“That’s what I told the bastards about CNN, but they took it anyway.” 

Charlton

“Damned dirty apes.”

Ted

“Exactly!  Though I think they were something less than sub-primate.  Say, Chuck, can I call you Chuck?”

Charlton

“That’s not my name, but you can call me whatever you like, Ted.”

Ted

“You betcha, Benji Hur it is, feel my calf muscle.  My right one, though, my left one got chewed up in a thresher race when I was 14.  I won the race, by the way.  Taught my cousin a lesson in how to cherry shift a 3.5 ton wheat eater.  He died of his injuries but that wheat came in, by God!  Go ahead, feel my calf!”

Charlton

“You want me to feel your calf?”

Ted

“Settle down, Moses, it isn’t golden.”

Charlton

“I don’t know if that would be appropriate.”

Ted

“Fair enough.  You a betting man, Chuckles?”

Charlton

“I’ve been known to roll the dice a time or two.  Why?”

Ted

“Watch me get this young fellar behind ya to feel my calf for twenty bucks.  You, what’s your name?”

Young Michael B.

“Mike, Mr. Turner.”

Ted

“Mike Mister Turner… hey, Turner, that’s my name.  We related or are you from the Tina Turner side?  She’s got great legs.  Speaking of great legs, whataya say you grab mine to score a Jackson?”

Young Michael B.

“Grab… your leg?”

Ted

“See, Chuckles, that’s the problem with these events, they’ve always got the retarded kids mixed in with the regulars to sneak up on you to make you reach for your checkbook.  That’s why I carry hard candy in my pocket.  It’s the crinkley noise that distracts ‘em long enough to escape.”

Charlton

“Very clever.”

Ted

“Go ahead, son, feel my calf.”

Young Michael B.

“Okay.” 

(feeling Ted’s calf)

Young Michael B.

“Is that a gun?”

Ted

“Ha!  He must be one of the high functionals, Chuck.  He’s right, that’s my snubbed nose 38.  Nickel plated, can’t stand tarnish, Chuck.  I thought about getting ivory handles, but my ex wouldn’t let me.  Hippies, Chuck, are no fun.  Don’t trust them, Chuck, no matter how many times you’ve seen a hippie naked, don’t you trust ‘em!”

Charlton

“I never have.”

Ted

“Okay, son, that’s enough.  Here, have a butterscotch.  It helps if you tell ‘em they’re eating gold.  Gives ‘em something to look forward to next time they poop.  Speaking of poop, where’s that gal with the caviar platter?” 

Capn's Quip: Patriotism

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government." – Edward Abbey 

"Ah, but a true patriot must always be ready to defend his country against himself."

Pure Poetry: Eau de Colon

Here’s to you on your day,
Where eyes they did go roaming,
Inside your person and up your rump,
And your mucosa they were homing.

In an open gown they laid you out,
And raised your leg and began their route,
And there on a gurney, as they are able,
Inserted a camera and three foot cable.

But glamour was not their task at hand,
As they hunted for bogies with every cram.
To take aim at intruders and thereby snipe,
The nastiness found in their daguerreotype.

But hopefully they found you nice and pink,
In the area that hath caused quite a stink.
And may your lining be good in all its turns,
And your memory be lost of any squirms.
For sedated you have been and rightfully so,
When doctors have spelunked your po-po.

Awakening now, and whether proper to sit,
You’ll ponder food… and the need to shit.
For intestines that have laid empty so long,
Introducing food thereto would seem so wrong.
Yet the grumbling in your belly will lead you to eat,
And soon enough you will have forgotten your seat.

Until a flashback perhaps, of your time in that room,
When you may have recalled that feeling of doom,
As they prepped your hindquarters for a nice little looky,
And they joked at your expense at your exposed little pookie.
But seeing your innards is a serious caper,
Lest we forget the millions spent on toilet paper.

Welcome back my dear friend,
And your rump violated.
For unspeakable things done,
And the jokes they’ve created.
I trust you are well and recovering with whim,
And the shape of your bowels are now proper and prim.
Have confidence in your physician and the job he has done,
For the great voyages he’s taken deep down in your bum.
Take comfort in knowing he’s done the right thing,
But do query the good doctor about his missing wedding ring.

Entitled: Spastic Pete & Attention Deficit Dave

"The Continuing Mysteries of Spastic Pete and Attention Deficit Dave: The case of the – Hey Look, Something Shiny!"

Velvety Smooth

“Velvety smooth, Cart.  That’s the secret to getting where you wanna go in this life.  Velvet T. Smooth.  You wouldn’t know anything about that with your boney butt and your one wheel that’s all Michael J. Foxy.  ‘Blubiddy, blubiddy, blubiddy,’ that’s what you feel like when you go shaking down the street.  All special needs, handicapable and whatever.  Bet you wish you were that Mercedes across the street.  Bet it’s smooth and velvety delicious.  Mmmm, but it’s not a convertible like you, Carty Cart… with your top down and all your stuff showing.  Mmmm, you look good, sweety.  The truth.  But you do got the wobbles, girlfriend.  But that’s okay or whatever, because you’re smooth on the inside where it counts sometimes.  Oooh, feel that?  Mmm, velvety wind.  I like to feel the wind on my tummy when it blows… on my tummy… the wind.  Now that’s velvety smooth, see?  Oh hey, look at those people down there.  ‘Woohoo, I’m sexy!’  They so want me.  No, they were not looking at you, girlfriend shopping cart.  They were looking at this.  You’re just jealous that I bring the velvet to the smooth that is mwah.  Don’t laugh, that’s French!  Stop it!  You’re so dumb!  Heavy sigh… Oh, we’re friends right?  I wish you were a real convertible, Carty.  Then I could get in you and we could go cruising, honey!  Oof, we should not have had those tacitos from Del Taco.  Feels like a baby kicking in here.  Oh, sorry, Carty.  No offense.  I didn’t mean to bring up the whole abortion thing.  I know you’re still sensitive.  You wanna wear the pants this time?  Yeah, for real.  I mean it, Carty.  You’ve earned it.  Besides, you look like you could use some velvety smoothness right about now because you’re a little sad.  It’s okay really, go ahead and take them.  It’s alright, I’ll turn around.  Geeez!”