Pure Poetry: Err on a Lengthy Pantaloon

Today I found not in my shoe,

But rather in my stepping,

A lack of comfort without a clue,

A garb that was not fetching.

That feeling upon my inner thighs,

Turned out was rather wrong.

The friction that did give rise,

To an inseam that was too long.

And upon my stopping,

I felt that eyes were locking,

To survey the discomfort,

Upon my boat-side port.

For my fashionable pants with ironed crease,

Were none too much with a droopy seat.

So here I ponder,

Rather walking or rest,

The loin that wanders,

And gone unpressed.

Against a pant that’s not fitting,

Nor a leg that’s not gripping,

But a quirky sense that is uneasy,

For pair of pants far too breezy.

Entitled: Old West Proctologist

"Old West Proctologist: A Fist Full of Hollers"

Mixed Nuts

 Charlton

“So I told them, ‘You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, dead hand.’”

Ted

“That’s what I told the bastards about CNN, but they took it anyway.” 

Charlton

“Damned dirty apes.”

Ted

“Exactly!  Though I think they were something less than sub-primate.  Say, Chuck, can I call you Chuck?”

Charlton

“That’s not my name, but you can call me whatever you like, Ted.”

Ted

“You betcha, Benji Hur it is, feel my calf muscle.  My right one, though, my left one got chewed up in a thresher race when I was 14.  I won the race, by the way.  Taught my cousin a lesson in how to cherry shift a 3.5 ton wheat eater.  He died of his injuries but that wheat came in, by God!  Go ahead, feel my calf!”

Charlton

“You want me to feel your calf?”

Ted

“Settle down, Moses, it isn’t golden.”

Charlton

“I don’t know if that would be appropriate.”

Ted

“Fair enough.  You a betting man, Chuckles?”

Charlton

“I’ve been known to roll the dice a time or two.  Why?”

Ted

“Watch me get this young fellar behind ya to feel my calf for twenty bucks.  You, what’s your name?”

Young Michael B.

“Mike, Mr. Turner.”

Ted

“Mike Mister Turner… hey, Turner, that’s my name.  We related or are you from the Tina Turner side?  She’s got great legs.  Speaking of great legs, whataya say you grab mine to score a Jackson?”

Young Michael B.

“Grab… your leg?”

Ted

“See, Chuckles, that’s the problem with these events, they’ve always got the retarded kids mixed in with the regulars to sneak up on you to make you reach for your checkbook.  That’s why I carry hard candy in my pocket.  It’s the crinkley noise that distracts ‘em long enough to escape.”

Charlton

“Very clever.”

Ted

“Go ahead, son, feel my calf.”

Young Michael B.

“Okay.” 

(feeling Ted’s calf)

Young Michael B.

“Is that a gun?”

Ted

“Ha!  He must be one of the high functionals, Chuck.  He’s right, that’s my snubbed nose 38.  Nickel plated, can’t stand tarnish, Chuck.  I thought about getting ivory handles, but my ex wouldn’t let me.  Hippies, Chuck, are no fun.  Don’t trust them, Chuck, no matter how many times you’ve seen a hippie naked, don’t you trust ‘em!”

Charlton

“I never have.”

Ted

“Okay, son, that’s enough.  Here, have a butterscotch.  It helps if you tell ‘em they’re eating gold.  Gives ‘em something to look forward to next time they poop.  Speaking of poop, where’s that gal with the caviar platter?” 

Capn's Quip: Patriotism

“A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government." – Edward Abbey 

"Ah, but a true patriot must always be ready to defend his country against himself."

Pure Poetry: Eau de Colon

Here’s to you on your day,
Where eyes they did go roaming,
Inside your person and up your rump,
And your mucosa they were homing.

In an open gown they laid you out,
And raised your leg and began their route,
And there on a gurney, as they are able,
Inserted a camera and three foot cable.

But glamour was not their task at hand,
As they hunted for bogies with every cram.
To take aim at intruders and thereby snipe,
The nastiness found in their daguerreotype.

But hopefully they found you nice and pink,
In the area that hath caused quite a stink.
And may your lining be good in all its turns,
And your memory be lost of any squirms.
For sedated you have been and rightfully so,
When doctors have spelunked your po-po.

Awakening now, and whether proper to sit,
You’ll ponder food… and the need to shit.
For intestines that have laid empty so long,
Introducing food thereto would seem so wrong.
Yet the grumbling in your belly will lead you to eat,
And soon enough you will have forgotten your seat.

Until a flashback perhaps, of your time in that room,
When you may have recalled that feeling of doom,
As they prepped your hindquarters for a nice little looky,
And they joked at your expense at your exposed little pookie.
But seeing your innards is a serious caper,
Lest we forget the millions spent on toilet paper.

Welcome back my dear friend,
And your rump violated.
For unspeakable things done,
And the jokes they’ve created.
I trust you are well and recovering with whim,
And the shape of your bowels are now proper and prim.
Have confidence in your physician and the job he has done,
For the great voyages he’s taken deep down in your bum.
Take comfort in knowing he’s done the right thing,
But do query the good doctor about his missing wedding ring.

Entitled: Spastic Pete & Attention Deficit Dave

"The Continuing Mysteries of Spastic Pete and Attention Deficit Dave: The case of the – Hey Look, Something Shiny!"

Velvety Smooth

“Velvety smooth, Cart.  That’s the secret to getting where you wanna go in this life.  Velvet T. Smooth.  You wouldn’t know anything about that with your boney butt and your one wheel that’s all Michael J. Foxy.  ‘Blubiddy, blubiddy, blubiddy,’ that’s what you feel like when you go shaking down the street.  All special needs, handicapable and whatever.  Bet you wish you were that Mercedes across the street.  Bet it’s smooth and velvety delicious.  Mmmm, but it’s not a convertible like you, Carty Cart… with your top down and all your stuff showing.  Mmmm, you look good, sweety.  The truth.  But you do got the wobbles, girlfriend.  But that’s okay or whatever, because you’re smooth on the inside where it counts sometimes.  Oooh, feel that?  Mmm, velvety wind.  I like to feel the wind on my tummy when it blows… on my tummy… the wind.  Now that’s velvety smooth, see?  Oh hey, look at those people down there.  ‘Woohoo, I’m sexy!’  They so want me.  No, they were not looking at you, girlfriend shopping cart.  They were looking at this.  You’re just jealous that I bring the velvet to the smooth that is mwah.  Don’t laugh, that’s French!  Stop it!  You’re so dumb!  Heavy sigh… Oh, we’re friends right?  I wish you were a real convertible, Carty.  Then I could get in you and we could go cruising, honey!  Oof, we should not have had those tacitos from Del Taco.  Feels like a baby kicking in here.  Oh, sorry, Carty.  No offense.  I didn’t mean to bring up the whole abortion thing.  I know you’re still sensitive.  You wanna wear the pants this time?  Yeah, for real.  I mean it, Carty.  You’ve earned it.  Besides, you look like you could use some velvety smoothness right about now because you’re a little sad.  It’s okay really, go ahead and take them.  It’s alright, I’ll turn around.  Geeez!”

Capn's Quip: Drudgery

“Drudgery is the element in life that reminds one to cherish the moments spent frequenting the facilities."

Capn's Quip: Technology

"The technology meant to enhance your life, often finds they've basically taken feces and affixed a button to it."

Capn's Quip: Religion

“The bible may celebrate man having two legs, but it never equated how short those legs would carry us.”

 

Capn's Quip: Kindness

"Kindness may not get you anywhere, but then where are you trying to go?"

Capn's Quip: The Human Condition - 3

"Even an old adder will coil anew."

Capn's Quip: Death

"And in this day we can think magically that people die with smiles on their faces; and the pain they feel doesn’t hurt anymore. And we will be wrong."

Nice Try Films: Getting Started

Working in the film business, I have been forwarded many email queries that have varied from quaint to bizarre.  Here is an actual email that I felt warranted some actual, special attention:
 

-----Original Message-----
From: XXXXXXX@aol.com
Sent: Monday, January 08, 2001  4:10 AM
To: XXXXXX@XXXXXXXXX.com
Subject: my own business

hello, my name is cory.  One day I want to have my own distribution company.
 

please tell me how I can start my own company
 

---------------------------------------

Dear Cory,

Thank you for your e-mail message.  While we cannot answer every e-mail message on a personal level, we felt a quick response to your message was certainly a priority.

In order to start your own company, we recommend that you work hard, take your vitamins, and endear yourself to people with money.

Go get ‘em!

Sincerely,

Nice Try Films 

Nice Try Films: Looking for Something Real

Working in the film business, I have been forwarded many email queries that have varied from quaint to bizarre.  Here is an actual email that I felt warranted some actual, special attention:

-----Original Message-----

From: Bill S

Sent: Thursday, June 16, 20052:26 PM

To: info@xxxxx.com

Subject: Movie

Dear XXXXX

I really want to make a movie with you and have you put it in theaters. I have great ideas.  Please tell me how we get started. 

Thank you

Bill

 
---------------------

Dear Bill,

Thank you for your interest in our company.  Due in great part to the number of complete strangers seeking out film relations with us, we have set up a special website whereby visitors just like you, can initiate special contact with a special member of our special company: 

www.thisisnotreallyalinkbillbutdonttellanyone.com 

You, Bill, however, instantly struck me as something special.  

You know, Bill, as I look out of my leather and mahogany lined office, I see a beggar woman off in the distance... And she's holding a sign, Bill.  It says, "Stranded.  Please help."  Bill, I could have that woman killed with one phone call.  But I won't do that, because she's real, Bill.  She's something real.  She's out there working it.  Scrounging for money; eating my leftovers; fighting for doorsteps to sleep on; living a real life.  That's special, Bill.  And what do you have, Bill?  Who are you, Bill?  Who is this person named Bill and why is he trying to talk to me and what is he saying?  You're a man who sounds like he's going places, Bill.  I admire that, Bill.  You've got the drive, now... show me the talent, Bill.  

This is what I'm willing to do for you, Bill, because... like that poor wretch of a woman out there, I'm willing to throw something at her to keep her from opening her mouth.  And you know what else, Bill... she keeps shaking that cup, man... I mean really shaking that cup, and there's only 52 cents in there, I know, because I know what 2 nickels, 4 dimes and 2 pennies sounds like.  But, I'm not a heartless bastard, Bill... I can appreciate the realness of her situation.  I respect that.  But... when she starts shaking that cup... that fucking cup... Bill!  I just want to kill her.  Sometimes when I leave work late at night, I circle the block a few times... just listening for that shaking goddamned cup.  And I think to myself, "I could hit 60 if I start a block back and the lights all stay green.  I could cut her in two with a little jerk of the wheel."  I've got a Ferrari, Bill.  It's got a pretty pointy front.  I've got the means, Bill, but do I have the nerve?  What do you think, Bill?  Sponge Bob calls me a wimp bastard.  I know that's what he calls me, I'm not deaf.  When I hit the mute and all that's left is the ringing in my head, there it is again… the shaking of that damned cup.  And that's when Sponge Bob starts in.  "You're never gonna do it.  She's watching you, you know.  See how she taunts you with that box top sign?  She's calling you out, and you're just sitting there.  Wimp bastard!"

 

I'm not a wimp bastard, Sponge Bob!  I'm not!  I'm not, Bill, tell Sponge Bob I'm not.  I'll gut you, Sponge Bob!  You've known me for a long time, Bill.  Tell him!  Tell him I can do it!  I'll make your movie, Bill.  You want your movie made, right?  I'll help you do it if you get Sponge Bob off my back.  

Please, Bill, I can't take it any more!!!  

Nice Try Films

Nice Try Films: Heart Failure

Working in the film business, I have been forwarded many email queries that have varied from quaint to bizarre.  Here is an actual email that I felt warranted some actual, special attention:

 -----Original Message-----
From: ? ?? [mailto:XXXXXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, August 10, 2005 7:59 PM
To: info@XXXXXXXX.com
Subject: The TITANIC Second Story.There is question. Reply entrusting it gives.

Hello.I live in Korea. Do you know county named the Korea? My name is Ji XXXX. And Iam ordinary girl student. Answer my word once. Strange talk is not and speaks about my dream. Hollywood... However, my dream is true heart. Thank you for hearing my story. Thank you.

Because I prepare to site of movie, I was good. However, da not you trust me? Sorry. It is just ordinary person among all the world person. GIVE ME ON OPPORTUNITY. I have to provide.There are movie sites that sould like to film. Give me an  opportunity. I wanted to challenge in Hollywood in once.

And becomes the actress of top and.
answer my talk, movie of tens is making in a day in hollywood. among it, there will be public entertainment construction failure. I am Orienal and girl student. may not I leave moive fan many lookes by this thing?? will doubt, but I speak heartily.There may not exist to me perhaps although there are public entertainment construction failurein Hollywood. It amounts to a lot of profits in moive public information. I want to challenge certainly. I want to challenge in outfield . Talk and is happy although there is no many personage who answer heartily my talk really.

I connect with  TITANIC 1 story and write the second story. Read once. By the way, I send outline in our Korean, country language, because I do not know well English. Sorry. Read certainly once. I ask. Also, I reply other talks that I write. Is very anxious how think. I do not know whether do not see as a strange peron. I will ask. I am a girl student of the Korea. 

My name is JI XXXX.  To send an interpretation.. please.

The TITANIC Second Story

[pages of Korean language removed] 

Dear Ji XXXX,

Thank you for your interest in talking and heart.  I can see from your determination that you are determined to be determined in this great cause.  I gather that this has something to do with the overwhelming public entertainment construction failure here in Hollywood, though I cannot speak to that as the Public Construction Failure Board does not allow us to discuss private board matters even though they are public.  It's not a conspiracy, it's just that no one can be trusted.

With that said, I am really looking forward to reading your Titanic 2 story, which seems to be associated in some way with the 1997 box office smash: Titanic.  I certainly admire your creative take and drive, but feel obligated to point out that the ship sank at the end of the movie, so I don't see much potential in it coming back for a sequel.  Unless this is a horror film where the ship rises from the depths to exact revenge on the money grubbing, corner cutting, White Star executives who built her ill-equipped and shoddily - well then, Ji, you've got my attention.  May I suggest an opening where we see the great water logged, rusted, luxury liner some 10 years later, coming to the surface and willing her way back toward Liverpool in a thick misty fog... devouring icebergs along the way. 

Midnight: Liverpool.  Titanic makes her way ashore to begin her slaughter of the self righteous White Star executives who wronged her. 

It's brilliant!  I love it!  You're hired! 

My associate, Mr. Hilario will be contacting you to see how you look.  Don't worry, if you're half as attractive as you say you are, he'll love you to!  But looks aren't everything.  You'll need to prove yourself.  So... you'll be entering the phase of film making called "the casting couch".  This is just a Hollywood term for "auditioning".  This will be the deciding factor that will determine if you will be a superstar or doomed to be a failure.  So give it all you've got! 

You'll have to pay your own way, so good luck with that.  Might we suggest selling some personal items or someone else's personal items to get here?  And if all else fails, you can always steal away in a shipping container.  I hear some of them are quite nice inside.  In the event that you are not attractive, we ask that you please bring at least 10 other girls with you who are.  This will not only assure that you have faith in us, but also that we can have faith in you. 

Please be mindful of our fees which are immediately due upon your arrival.  You will need to obtain large quantities of cash or readily usable and untraceable credit once you arrive here.  It is customary in Hollywood for you to be financially responsible for all costs incurred by us on your behalf.  We wouldn't want to look dishonorable or unprofessional, would we?  Why do you think everyone wants to be friends with Steven Spielberg... that's right, because he has to pay for everything because he's rich.  You want to be rich, don't you Ji XXXX?  That's right, you do.  You keep that can-do attitude, and you will be very, very soon.

Sincerely,

 

Nice Try Films  

Object Writing: The Gift

Object Exercise: 03/08/06
Letter
Ladder
Bottle

Piedmont Tire was a long six bay garage. Attached was The Rug Shop: Carpet and Flooring. Together, they looked like a steel forerunner to what would later be known as a strip mall. Pelham, like so many other places in Alabama, had an industrial feel to it, though it seemed more like a pond that was losing its water. Highway 160 lay across the flat land, and gave a clean view to someone on the limited hills that were pushed up in red clay in the area. The even flow of tires and semi’s the only sign that progress made its way through here.

William Piedmont stood in bay 1 just under the shade of the mid morning. He wiped his hands with some pumous soap while he noticed the bits of gravel and sand that half claimed the parking lot. There were more than a few soda tops and cigarette butts out there too. The soap had worked the grease from his hands and he turned to go back inside. A large, double, aluminum bane sink stood outside the bathroom, it’s heavy staining the only indication that it was once a uniform gray. It took time to rinse the soap free, and one often found that a second cleaning was warranted upon careful inspection of the nails. Will pulled a rag from a bucket that sat atop a shelf above the sink. Drying his hands he checked the time on the 7 Up clock on the wall next to bay 2. It wasn’t nearly the time he had thought it was... certainly not the time he had wanted it to be.

Will finished off the water in the sprite bottle he had refilled and then grabbed the handle of the lift and twisted it; sending the candied apple red VW wagon instantly returning to the ground. He positioned the lift off to the side next to the tire machine and eyed the old car. It had been in need of far more repairs than the previous owner could afford - more than anyone could afford in this day and age. Still, the overhaul went well and the engine block was re-bored to give it larger piston heads and greater power. The tires were balding, but were easily replaced with a new set of some Continentals that were always in stock. They were perhaps, the only truly new thing about the car. Will had even thought of putting a set of 721's on them, but the more expensive Firestones were best left to paying customers.

Will opened the driver’s side door and began placing on the cleaned-up interior panel. The dent that had been on the door was minor enough, the plunger proved able to pull the metal back into place. Some tougher dings had taken a careful hand and a rubber mallet to work out. Thank goodness the rest of the body was sound. Some rust spots had developed around the tail lights and along the bottom of the fenders and doors, but a good sandblasting had cleaned those away and allowed for a Bond-O and primer to take their place. Will had completed all the tedious parts he could, and wasted all the time he could as well. Jackson and Leroy had done a nice job in painting the car. They understood the finer points of hot rodding and the importance of a first car. Leroy even added a moon roof and alternated his cursing associated with that installation, some from inside the car, but most from without on the step ladder.

Will eyed the clock again. About that time, Jackson and Leroy were walking in.

"Hey, boss! We’re here!" Jackson shouted, as though the volume would dismiss the lateness.

Will simply replied with a perturbed smile.

Leroy, always quiet, simply moved to the tool counter and took a handful of tools. He moved to the car and started moving trim and interior pieces toward their mounts.

Will threw in, "Hey Jackson, why can’t you be more like Leroy?"

Jackson, not one to miss a chance to insult himself or others fired off without a beat, "I reckon one retarded kid was enough." They all laughed and the work was beginning to settle in.

These were the last touches. The car was nearly complete. The road test had proved a sound engine, and in fact, Will had been using the car for parts run right up until the bodywork and repaint. There were some minor leaks that had been tightened away. Leroy had custom rigged some stereo speakers pulled from other cars and managed a rich sounding stereo system that would surely disturb some neighborhoods. Everything was coming together with an eye toward detail. There was high-gloss and shine to every area; chrome like mirror shards that cut the scenery.

The day was wending toward late afternoon and all had been done. The pretty reborn car that was once a blue silver, now sat anxious to run free under the joyous red guise of a new child. The wait for an arrival of his son now began as Will paced the showroom floor. An envelope sticking out of the chest pocket of his clean coveralls, Will’s fingers nervously drummed in preoccupation as his right hand strayed to the letter to either straighten it there or for reassurance that the moment would come. And in the glint of sunlight on the windows, someone had arrived.

Quick Scene: Star Trek: The Next Generation - "The Visitor"

Scene:
The deck of the USS Enterprise. 

Ensign
I'm showing no deviation in the anomaly's path, Captain.  It's still on a collision course.

Picard
Mr. Data, analysis.

Data
I am showing strong concentrations of humino-organic hormonal compounds.

Ryker
In English, Data.

Data
Cramps... sir.

Ryker
Red alert!  All stop! 

Worf
Captain, shall I arm the torpedoes?

Picard
Yes, Mr. Worf.  Ensign, back us off... nice and slow.  We don't want to provoke it.

Data
Sir, I believe I have found something.

Ryker
What is it Data?

Data
Further analysis shows that the anomaly is a mass of highly unstable chemically bonded neutrinos.  Phasers and torpedoes will have no affect.

Troy
Captain... I'm sensing a great deal of anger from the anomaly.  It means to do us harm.

Picard
Ensign, get us out of here... warp 2... engage.

Ensign
Helm is not responding, sir.

Data
The anomaly appears to be affecting systems all over the ship.  It is draining plasma from the warp nacelles.  We have insufficient power to maneuver.

Ryker
Dammit Data, we need a solution.  That thing's right on top of us!

Data
I have a theory.

Picard
Let's hear it, Mr. Data.

Data
Throughout the much of the twentieth and twenty-first century, treatment for cyclical anomalies, such as this one, were treated with pharmaceutical oral medication.

Ryker
I've heard of this.  They took pills or capsules or something.  What did they call them... "pain killers", right Data?

Data
Yes, Commander. 

Picard
Mr. Data, do we have any of these "pain killers" on board the Enterprise?

Data
No sir.  That form of medical treatment became obsolete late in the twenty-first century. 

Picard
Can we replicate them?

Data
Yes sir.

Ryker
Good, let's do...

Data
But...

Ryker
There's always a "but".

Picard
Yes, Data?

Data
Though pain killers were widely used at the time, most of them had little or no affect on anomalous cramps like this. 

Worf
Pain killers are a coward's way.

Data
Studies have shown when physical discomfort from these anomalies were induced in Klingon males, all of the test subjects lasted a length of three point six seconds before crying out for their mothers.

(Beat)

Worf
Shall we abandon ship, Captain?

Picard
Settle down, Mr. Worf.  Data...

Data
When pain killers failed to end the pain completely, many women of the time turned to other oral remedies.

Troy
Chocolate.

Data
Chocolate.

Ryker
Chocolate?

Troy
Don't ask.

Picard
Mr. Data, do we have enough chocolate on board to stop the anomaly?

Data
I do not believe so.  And replicating it will take time.

Worf
Abandon ship now, Captain?

Troy
Captain, you'll find more than enough in my quarters.

Picard
Counselor?

Troy
Captain.

Picard
Remind me to talk to you about your eating habits, Counselor.  Transporter room?

O'Brien
O'Brien here.

Picard
Mr. O'Brien, lock on to all sources of chocolate in Counselor Troy's quarters and beam it directly into the anomaly.

O'Brien
Chocolate, sir?

Worf
Just do it, man!

Picard
You heard the Lieutenant, Mr. O'Brien.

O'Brien
Aye sir.

Picard
Mr. O'Brien, do you have it?

O'Brien
Almost sir.  There's quite a bit of it.  I'm having trouble locking on to it.  Stand by... transport complete.

(Explosion.  The ship is jolted)

Ryker
Damage report!

Worf
All decks reporting no damage.  Shields are holding.

Picard
Mr. Data?

Data
The anomaly has been destroyed.

Picard
Nice work, Chief.

O'Brien
Thank you sir.

Picard
...Counselor.

Ensign
Helm is back online.

Data
Shipwide systems are returning to normal.

Worf
Sir... permission to leave the bridge.

Picard
What for, Mr. Worf?

Worf
Personal reasons... to change my uniform, sir.

Picard
Yes, please Mr. Worf, permission granted... by all means.