Nice Try Films: They're Jabbing What?

Working in the film business, I have been forwarded many email queries that have varied from quaint to bizarre.  Here is an actual email that I felt warranted some actual, special attention:


From: xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx.us
[mailto: xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx.us]
Sent: Monday, September 08, 2008 7:52 AM
To: xxxxxxxxxx@xxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: LOINS OF PUNJAB: FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 12 AT 7:30 PM

AFTERPARTY WITH THE DIRECTOR AND CAST: 
Miracle Bar & Grill,  415 Bleecker St.(bet. 11th St & Bank St), NYC 10014. Phone: 212 924 1900.

The xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Arts Council (xxxx) is a 501©3 not-for-profit arts organization passionately dedicated to promoting, showcasing and building an awareness of Indian artists in the performing arts, visual arts, and literary arts. All donations to the xxxx are tax deductible to the fullest extent allowable by law.

 

Information: xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Arts Council Inc, xxxxx xxxxxx St, Suite xxx, New York, NY 10001.
Phone: 212 xxx xxxx Email xxxxx@xxxx.us Web: www.xxxxxxxxx.us

 

Dear Manish

Loins of what?  What are you jabbing?

Look, Manish, or whatever your vague name may imply… I don’t know what kind of joint you think we’re running around here, but I won’t entertain porn films in my professional working day.  But if you send me a copy of this film on DVD, I may – or may not – choose to consider devoting some serious masturbatory focus on it in my personal time.  I will, however, give you some advice on your poster: 

You got a movie about loins and jabbing things in puns [sic] (which you really should double check your spellings before you go to print, by the way) so where are the loins and puns [sic] and jabbing in the poster?  I don’t see a loin or a pun [sic] anywhere on here, and I’m not sure if that old timey microphone is going to be doing some jabbing any time soon, but you gotta set this stuff up visually a little better.  I mean, if I gotta use only my imagination on this, then it really defeats the purpose of picking up the porn in the first place.  Know what I mean?  I like that you’re playing up the Indian angle on this too.  There’s a big market for Indian porn out there because, you know, India has like a bajillion people living in it.  At least that’s what the Food channel said the other day.  I think they were talking about curry.  I don’t care for curry myself, but I could see how someone who didn’t have much food might like something that tastes like dirt. 

Let me give you some more advice before you start shopping this porn around to the rest of us big time movie business people: 

1. The balloon headed character artwork thingy never works unless the balloons are shaped like breasts and are, you know, attached to naked women.  Oh wait, I see it now… it’s a penis in a suit with a face on it!  Nice work.  Please disregard.

2. Look, this is a porn, right?  So advertise to your audience more.  I’m not sure of the statistics, but I bet you like 99% of people who pick up a porno box to look at it, actually buy it (it could be because the box is sticking to their hands, but I digress…).  Humor, Manish, you gotta have a sense of humor in the film biz and I’m betting it’s no different in the jabbing pun [sic] fringe porn biz.  And with a name like yours that implies “man-like” qualities, you better get to owning your product.  I’m just saying that you gotta sex this up some more if you’re going to be pushing porn.  T&A is why you probably got into porn to begin with (T&A is why I got in the film biz!).  Where is the T&A on this poster, Mani?  That’s right, it’s nowhere.  Which is exactly where this film is going if you don’t play to your strong suits.
     
3. Alright, Mani… we’re on number 3 here and I have to address something that’s kind of bugging me (beside the disturbingly large mole-growth on the side of your penis’s head)… your “Presents” is out of place (I think the same guy that was spell checking your “Pun” [sic], wasn’t exactly up on the mechanics of the biz).  “Presents” should be before the title.  Unless that’s supposed to be “Presents” like in Christmas presents (or Hanukah, or whatever tribal celebrations your people observe).  If it’s supposed to be a bunch of presents, or gift giving in general, then you should maybe have some bows and ribbons suggesting as much.  Just a suggestion.  Personally, I’m all about putting a bow on something naked.  It’s simple and direct and says, “I got you something but I couldn’t wrap it because it’s too beautiful to cover in paper.”  Trust me, this works for the ladies.  And to be honest with you, Mani… I’m kinda lazy anyway (that and I have a strange phobia of invisible tape.  Never trust something you can’t see, Mani.)

4. “A Story About Life and Other Contests”… that tagline, aside from making me tinkle a little in my pants just now, is simultaneously one of the most annoying I’ve ever read.  Let’s get something straight: a story about anything is a story about life.  You’re being redundant.  You’re also being retarded because a porn is not about life, it’s about sex.  And don’t get me started on the infinitely more boring “and other contests” part.  You gotta get clever with this stuff.  What do we got here?  Loins, puns [sic], jabbing, and presents.  This is a no-brainer, Mani.  I got your new title and tagline right here.  Tell me what you think: “Christmas Pokepoon In My Pants: The Gift That Keeps-On Jabbing!”.  Huh?  It’s good, huh?  You’re doing three things there: a) you’re inserting some pop culture here with the Pokemon reference, which helps legitimize your movie; and b) you’re hitting a younger demographic here too (and if you can garner fans at an earlier age, you’re building a loyal base and reliable market for long term purposes; and c) Who doesn’t love Christmas?! (or whatever gift giving holiday you may have that has a fat stranger handing out presents)         

So there you go, Mani.  Just some of my humble advice as a super successful Hollywood mogul.  You may choose to ignore anything I’ve said here, but it would be to your detriment.  This is a business first and foremost.  The action star knows it just like the bukake queen.  You wanna make money, you gotta take a penis or take advice.  Either way, you gotta take something (and I suggest the advice, unless the penis thing works for you, then take both.  Would that technically be DP?). 

Anyhoo, I’ve gotta go.  I have a date with a very hot young barista who wants more than anything to be in one of my movies.  Oh hey, when I’m done with her, do you want me to send her your way?  Let me know.

Your pal,

Nice Try Films 

PS
“All donations to the IAAC are tax deductible to the fullest extent allowable by law.”  You are a kind and thoughtful people.  I am embarrassed that this nation once considered your kind “savage”.  It was us, Mani, us who was wrong.  This tax deductible business… it’s a nice “fuck you” to the government, Mani… and something I can get behind. 

PPS

I saw Dances With Wolves like two and a half times.  Good movie.  Long movie.  You should check it out with friends and loved ones.  I don’t know, maybe lead a group discussion afterwards.