Nice Try Films: Newt Gingrich and Porn with historical themes: Can they teach us anything?

Working in the film business, I have been forwarded many email queries that have varied from quaint to bizarre.  Here is an actual email that I felt warranted some actual, special attention:

TO:  #### #######
From:  Madeline Rossi
Date 10/20/2008
Re:  Free Choice Flat Tax

####,

I just left you a message on behalf of Newt Gingrich.  Newt wants to get your opinion on the Flat Tax.  In fact this how simple your tax return could be under the Free Choice Flat Tax!  (see attached sample tax return)

Please call me back today at ### ### ####
Thanks,
Mary

---------------------------------

Newty, Baby!

Where you been, man?!  I saw you on TV the other day.  You were sitting on a couch or something at the beach.  I think you were sitting with Al Sharpton... or was it Nancy Pelosi?  Hell, what’s the difference?!

Anyhoo... so glad you’re reviving the ole "flat tax" idea.  "You can take the man outta Washington, but you can’t take the Washington outta the man", eh?!  I heard that once in this porno called George Washington and the Pounding Fathers I got from the "2 for 1" bin the other night.  Turns out they put the homosexual porn in the "2 for 1" bin too.  Just intermingled and all... for anyone to pick up.  You know, I didn’t even realize it was a gay porn until like 30 minutes in.  But you know, if you just stick with the close-up shots and turn down the sound, it’s almost like watching regular porn.  The acting wasn’t bad, to tell you the truth – which is kind of a nice change of pace, I must admit.  And you know me, I’m not a marketing guy, but I think we could play up the idea that George Washington really had a twelve inch penis and was a real man’s man.  You know, we could call ourselves the "big penis" party or something.  Hell, our mascot is an elephant, after all (they have big penises, right?).

Back to your fax...  I love the flat tax idea.  Hell, you know me, I love anything flat... flat-chested women, plateaus (you know I like a nice flat plateau), flat monthly fees for pay-per-view WWE Smackdown events, etc... but I gotta be honest with you: flat tax just sounds wrong to me nowadays.  I know that disappoints you, Newty, but lemme explain: a flat tax is just that: a tax.  Why do we Republicans always give in to the Left’s talking points by using their terms?  We should be calling taxes what they really are: "Satanic Baby Devouring Government Sponsored Rape and Defilement".  Whataya think?  We could call it "Defilement" for short!  As in: "He made $2 million last year, and paid almost 39% in defilements."  I think it has a ring to it.  It makes sense because it touches on every evil thing out there that the Left stands for and it makes us look like victims to grander evil plans (which is why we’re all good Christian soldiers to begin with).  I think it works.  

Look, Newt-Newt... I don’t like the spotlight, hell that’s why you and Grahamicans are paid so much in your retired years to keep the Right’s hope alive.  I’m telling you, and I’ll tell Philly too, but I’m on to something here.  We’re always talking about controlling the conversation, right?  So, let’s just start making some crazy-ass shit up!  Hell, I could do this all day!  Check this out: instead of "domestic terrorist" we could call them "Ayre-heads"!  Nice huh?!  And instead of "deregulation" we could call it "rape deterrence"!  Hey, this is fun!  Don’t we want to be about fun again, Newt?  I mean, don’t you miss that?  I know I do.  We used to be somebodies.  We were all up on a crusade for the constituency.  Now it just feels like we’re a couple of old fat guys with old dreams.  I guess I just miss you, man... that’s all I’m saying.  Hey... you know what?  I’m gonna send you that porno.  Yep, that’ll make you feel better.  I know, I know, it’s not your cup of tea, but if you just keep an open mind, I think you’ll start to feel reenergized like me.  I’m raring to go!

Okay, I gotta run.  I gotta go drop my daughter and her friends off at some thingy called a "Call for Change" event or something or another.  No clue what that is.  Maybe it’s about getting a new soccer coach after the last one went all lezbo on everyone.  

Anyhoo, great talking at you, Newt.  Don’t be a stranger.  And seriously, think about what I said.  I think we’re in a reinvention stage in the party right now.  I’m okay with embracing that.

Your pal at,

Nice Try Films

(Thanks to fellow Kossack, Alter Ego Manifesto, for forwarding the message from Newt and challenging us to have fun responding!)
(Cross-posted at DailyKos.com 10/23/08.  Read our DailyKos diaries at: http://capn-sassy-jas.dailykos.com/)