Nice Try Films: Criminally Insane

Working in the film business, I have been forwarded many email queries that have varied from quaint to bizarre.  Here is an actual email that I felt warranted some actual, special attention:

----Original Message-----
From: chiheb XXXXXXX XXXXXX@XXXXX.com
Sent: Friday, September 15, 2006 3:21 PM
To: XXXXXX@XXXXXX.com
Subject: query letter

Dear producers:

Since you produced many great movies, perhaps you would take a look at my
recent screenplay called 'XXXXXXX"( protectrite registration:
XXXXXXX. Agent: XXXXXX XXXXX, the XXXXXX agency.).

It is a mystery drama about a young ex-prisoner who became psychotic after
the death of his mother(4 years before his release). Refusing to accept his
loss, he started hallucinating and having imaginary friends including his
mother. The day he stopped taking his medication have changed everything;He
was healed,but he discovred that not all of his imaginary friends are
unreal. Now, he has to race against the clock to find an answer before it is
too late.

Best,

Chiheb XXXXXX
----------------------

Dear Jihad,

Thank you for your letter.  I'm riveted by your story about the imprisonment of the criminally insane.  It's a story about redemption really, and that speaks to the heart of the matter.  What that means, I'm not quite sure, but it's beautiful.  And you and I, Cheesehead, are going to share it.  I can only hope that your mind-blowing script contains as many grammatical errors as your query to peddle it!

It's funny you should mention your agent by name as it is typically your agent who would do the querrying on your behalf.  That's kind of why you have an agent or representation to begin with.  See, Chai, you're what we call in the business "unsolicited works".  You'll find the lack of response from film companies to your emails rather consistant and annoying because they're purposefully ignoring you.  There's a reason for that, Chip.  You're a liability.  See Chuck, in this biz, ideas are property.  And when you send your property to some film company that happens to deal in other property, well the perception from liabilities such as yourself, becomes that these Companies are theiving marauders of your own property.  If, for instance, such a company were to release a film that happens to have some kind of silly and otherwise utterly unrelated similarity to your own work (like the use of the word "the" on page 16 of a script; or their film just happens to also be about a character redeeming his/herself in the face of great odds, etc...) then that's when lawyers crawl out of the woodwork.  And given your inability to produce an agent on your behalf, I can advise you in my own capacity as someone who is not a lawyer, that you would be in serious trouble representing yourself in court against a film studio that has armies of suited smarm for just such occassions. 

Chad, don't get me wrong, it's not that no one here cares.  It's just that your stuff doesn't matter to us.  I'm sure you're a lovely person.  But you're just that: a person.  And for the most part, film companies hate people and like to limit their contact with them at all costs. 

In closing, Cheech, you and I are not entirely unalike (that implies that we're not alike as well, but you get my meaning).  You love telling a good story, and I love having someone tell me a good story.  Especially when I'm snuggled in bed with a belly full of milk and cookies and night-night story time is followed with bottom rub-rubs... and Dream Land is not so far away...

So, please, let this agent person do your leg-work for you.  If this person really likes your work, they'll happily champion it.  If they think it's drech... well, you'll get chirping crickets or better yet: more responses like this one that belittles you as both a writer and a human being!  But, if in your heart of hearts, you know that your work is the greatest thing in the world, then for your own sake, find representation from someone who works for you... or perhaps maybe even someone who just works.  But, right now, Chiminey, there are far more important things to be ignored in this world.  So we'll just shuffle yours back into the legal deck that's reserved for card houses.

In closing, we wish you the best in your pursuits of whatever it is you do.  Though I honestly can't remember why I'm even emailing you at this point.  I'd scroll down to try and piece it all together, but then narcisism isn't really a two way street, is it?  That's not really a question, Charo, don't answer it.  I can't hear you anyway.

Sincerely,

Nice Try Films