Nice Try Films: Looking for Something Real

Working in the film business, I have been forwarded many email queries that have varied from quaint to bizarre.  Here is an actual email that I felt warranted some actual, special attention:

-----Original Message-----

From: Bill S

Sent: Thursday, June 16, 20052:26 PM

To: info@xxxxx.com

Subject: Movie

Dear XXXXX

I really want to make a movie with you and have you put it in theaters. I have great ideas.  Please tell me how we get started. 

Thank you

Bill

 
---------------------

Dear Bill,

Thank you for your interest in our company.  Due in great part to the number of complete strangers seeking out film relations with us, we have set up a special website whereby visitors just like you, can initiate special contact with a special member of our special company: 

www.thisisnotreallyalinkbillbutdonttellanyone.com 

You, Bill, however, instantly struck me as something special.  

You know, Bill, as I look out of my leather and mahogany lined office, I see a beggar woman off in the distance... And she's holding a sign, Bill.  It says, "Stranded.  Please help."  Bill, I could have that woman killed with one phone call.  But I won't do that, because she's real, Bill.  She's something real.  She's out there working it.  Scrounging for money; eating my leftovers; fighting for doorsteps to sleep on; living a real life.  That's special, Bill.  And what do you have, Bill?  Who are you, Bill?  Who is this person named Bill and why is he trying to talk to me and what is he saying?  You're a man who sounds like he's going places, Bill.  I admire that, Bill.  You've got the drive, now... show me the talent, Bill.  

This is what I'm willing to do for you, Bill, because... like that poor wretch of a woman out there, I'm willing to throw something at her to keep her from opening her mouth.  And you know what else, Bill... she keeps shaking that cup, man... I mean really shaking that cup, and there's only 52 cents in there, I know, because I know what 2 nickels, 4 dimes and 2 pennies sounds like.  But, I'm not a heartless bastard, Bill... I can appreciate the realness of her situation.  I respect that.  But... when she starts shaking that cup... that fucking cup... Bill!  I just want to kill her.  Sometimes when I leave work late at night, I circle the block a few times... just listening for that shaking goddamned cup.  And I think to myself, "I could hit 60 if I start a block back and the lights all stay green.  I could cut her in two with a little jerk of the wheel."  I've got a Ferrari, Bill.  It's got a pretty pointy front.  I've got the means, Bill, but do I have the nerve?  What do you think, Bill?  Sponge Bob calls me a wimp bastard.  I know that's what he calls me, I'm not deaf.  When I hit the mute and all that's left is the ringing in my head, there it is again… the shaking of that damned cup.  And that's when Sponge Bob starts in.  "You're never gonna do it.  She's watching you, you know.  See how she taunts you with that box top sign?  She's calling you out, and you're just sitting there.  Wimp bastard!"

 

I'm not a wimp bastard, Sponge Bob!  I'm not!  I'm not, Bill, tell Sponge Bob I'm not.  I'll gut you, Sponge Bob!  You've known me for a long time, Bill.  Tell him!  Tell him I can do it!  I'll make your movie, Bill.  You want your movie made, right?  I'll help you do it if you get Sponge Bob off my back.  

Please, Bill, I can't take it any more!!!  

Nice Try Films