Nice Try Films: Francis is Magic!

Working in the film business, I have been forwarded many email queries that have varied from quaint to bizarre.  Here is an actual email that I felt warranted some actual, special attention:

From: xxxxxxxxxxxxx@aol.com [mailto: xxxxxxxxxxxxx@aol.com]
Sent: Thursday, August 07, 2008 11:30 AM
To: xxxxxxxxxx@xxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: (no subject)

Hi,

My name is Frank xxxxxxxxxx and I am privacy consultants that assist people who need to disappear. If you ever need a consultant for a movie, TV show or script, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Best,

Frank xxxxxxxxxx

-----------------------

Dear Francis,

Wait, so let me get this straight, you’re a magician?  Oh sorry, “illusioneest”?  So, you’re tired of working the bar mitzvah circuit and are finally serious about making it in the biz.  I admire that.  And because I admire that (whatever it was), and you’re looking for help from us because we’re, let’s face it, incredibly awesome, I’m gonna give you some helpful advice:  If you’re really serious, and I mean serious like serious people, you gotta work on yourself, Francis.  You know, change your name, get some headshots, get an agent, get a boob job, whatever… look inward to look outward, you know what I mean? 

Look, I like you, Francis.  I don’t know why.  I gotta soft spot for the innocents of the world (especially if it’s wearing something slutty to try to appear not so innocent).  I’m gonna be direct with you because I’m a busy guy what with all the shenanigans in Africa (with Francine being stuck and all this soon-to-be-dead lady’s gobs of dough waiting to be claimed).  I love a classic as much as the next guy (you know, if the next guy happens to be a guy who loves classics) but the whole vaudevillian angle (the magic, the clown shtick, the song-and-dance-man routine) that stuff’s been done a long time ago.  It’s all about sex appeal now, Frank.  The people want pretty girls in little outfits sleeping with ugly fat guys in improbable scenarios charged with sexuality.  That, or they want something with Will Ferrell in it.  Look, Frank, let’s be frank… sex sells.  So do yourself a favor and lose the magic nerdy stuff, okay?  It’s just not as sexy to everyone else as it is to you in your clearly troubled brain.   

Oh don’t get me wrong here, Francis.  I get where you’re coming from.  I played with GI Joes when I was a kid.  Used to watch the TV show religiously, but that’s just it, Francis… Duke, Doc, Lady Jaye, Wild Bill and all the other Joes couldn’t see that they were just a child’s play things.  Sure, GI Joe was the next logical animated step after years of the overtly good versus evil spoon-feeding we endured with the Smurfs, but that’s just it - it was all still for kids.  So going around telling people you’re a magician: yeah, not the best idea in the world.  What are you, like thirty something?  Lemme guess: still living with the parents?  Yeah?  Uh huh.  Tell me, you ever get laid using the line “Nothing up my sleeve”?  No?  I didn’t think so.  Francis, baby… this is Hollywood.  If you don’t got something up your sleeve around here, then nobody’s gonna care what you pull outta your hat (the “hat” in this case, refers to your “pants”, Franky.  Try to keep up.). 

So, I’m gonna put away childish things here, Francis.  Maybe it’s time you did the same.  Why?  Because knowing when you’re a loser doofus, is half the battle. 

Go Joe, Francis.  Go Joe.

Sincerely,

Nice Try Films