Nice Try Films: We Apply for a Job!

Working in the film business, I have been forwarded many email queries that have varied from quaint to bizarre.  Here is an actual email that I felt warranted some actual, special attention:

XXXXXX AND STAFFING AGENCY UK
XXXXXX XXXXXX XXXXXX
XXXXXX, LONDON  UK  SW6 2UZ
TOLL:1-888-XXX-XXXX

We are research and staffing agency base in the united kingdom.We are contracted by China Resources Retail (Group) Co., Ltd  to recruit qualified and trust worthy individuals who will love to represent the company in your region.  - Mom says that "my region" is an extra special private place that I should treat like a great treasure.  It is quite a coincidence that I will be representing in my region as it is a place I know and love, and have loved, many times by myself.  It will be nice to have company now, however. 

Due to the fast increase in business expansion and difficulties in communication in english with their customers in the united states and canada, we were  awarded the contract to be the means by which they can reach their customers in north America.   - English can be tough for people who don’t speak it good.  I’m not sure why you aren’t including south America in with north America.  I mean, it’s the United States of America and not just north and south anymore.  We had a war or something that made it all okay now.  Maybe the language problem is that your Chinese people think we’re still having a war here or something.  I don’t know.  All I know is we all speak the same language and stuff in this country.  Some people have accents or whatever, but at the end of the day, we’re all Americans here.  So maybe you should think about that before you decide to just pick on one area of it.

We have 5 positions for payment proccessing officer in your region, its a high paying job.

Duties:   Receive payments from their customers in your region. - Does this involve money?  Do I need cash register skills?  Does counting on my hands detract from my chances of getting the job?

Salary:  $1,000.00 in each payment you receive/proccessed.Salary increase after 3 months. - What about the payments I steal?  Do I still get paid for those?     

Benefit: Effective after 3 months of service/probation (Sunlife Insurance). - Can I count my time already served for manslaughter (was totally innocent, by the way)

Qualification: 

Must be 24years and over. - Does this also address reading level?

Must be able to read, write and speak english. - Si, no problemo.

Must be able to have good management with cash. - Okay, but I should tell you that when it comes to cash, I have more of a "hands off" management style.  It’s what we in the Progressive Management field like to refer to as Progressive Management. 

Must be a resident of usa/canada. - Does North Carolina count?

NOTE: No experience, we will train. - I love trains!  Chugga-chugga choo choo!  I don’t have any experience with trains but I do do the locomotion!  Hee hee… I’m looking back at what I just wrote, and I typed "do do"… that’s funny because it sounds like "doo doo" when you say it out loud.  It’s funny because doo doo is like saying the big bad poo poo word that you’re not really supposed to say but some people say it anyway.  I don’t, because I think it’s all fences (awful intses? Off fences? or whatever that word is), you know, when people don’t like it or when a word hurts their fillings. 

If you know you are interested in these limited positions, please fill out the following forms below. - Oh, I know I am interested in limited positions.  I’m not very flexible since I hurt my back.  Can I request in advance the position of "on my back"?  I didn’t see it listed or anything, but if there are some positions for on my back then that’s the one I’d like to get.  If there aren’t any of those, please consider my back thing for whatever positions you’ve got left. 

1:Full name: - Nigel "the King of Condensed Canned Soup" Caruthers from Calloway, North Carolina, Jr. (That’s my full wrestling name.  My intro theme music is "Pressure" by Queen because my signature move is "The Condensor" where I wrap up my opponents in the ultimate submission hold (and because I like soup).  They always tap out.  I also have a catch-phrase.  Wanna hear it?  Here goes: "Mares eat oats and does eat oats, but little lambs get squashed in the can!" … it helps if you do it with attitude even if it’s make believe.

2:Complete mailing address: - Okay, wait… I’ve got an address, but I don’t understand, how exactly am I supposed to complete it?  Cuz it’s just an address.  Is this a trick question?  It is, isn’t it?  I new it!  Did I get some extra points or something for figuring this out?  You know, for being able to problem solve or whatever you call it?  Does this translate into a higher pay bracket as a result?

3:Gender: Male… mostly

4:Occupation: Unemployed former convict/patient

5:Annual Income: Reported or actual?  Please clarify.

6:Tel No: Tel no what?  Tel no who?  What am I not supposed to tel?  I don’t get it.  Don't worry, I can keep a secret, if that's what you're getting at.

7:Do you own a business? yes/no …yes/no… because I kind of do own it but not really because someone else stole my idea and lots of other people are making like a bajillion dollars because of it.  You heard of candy bars, right?  Yeah, that was totally my idea.  Someone stole it and now everybody and their brother makes candy bars.  And it was also my idea to put peanuts into food.

8:Name of business: Ramshackle Building Products (in foreclosure)

9:Any bankryptcy in the past 2 years: No ryptcy that I can recall, and it doesn’t run in my family… though the past two years are kind of a blur what with my allergies and all.  Anyway, I don’t believe in rypting or ryptcying in general.  I think it’s unfair to rypt, you know, people or things that are easily rypt or ryptified.  And if you’re rypting a bank or whatever, then that’s just, you know, more of the same there because a bank is a thing and, you know, there are people in it… who probably get a little rypt as a result of the bank getting rypt.  So no, I don’t rypt or allow rypting around me.  I won’t tolerate it… unless it’s called for… or culturally accepted in some communities who still practice rypting.

Please forward all applications  What applications?  You mean the stuff on my computer?
to:George Anderson xxxxxx@myway.com or xxxxxx@yahoo.co.uk   - I am totally adding you guys to my email list.  I send a daily joke or two and I’ve got cat pictures and recipes to share!  Oh, would you guys mind if I add you to my fan club?  I don’t have any fans there, really… except my brother, but he’s only 3 years old and kind of goofy. 

Note:You dont need to leave your present jobs. - Well giving presents is supposed to be better than receiving them.  I’ve never had a present job before unless you count that one Christmas that my Uncle Frank paid me a nickel for each present I wrapped for him. 

Only selected people will be contacted. - I’m hoping I will be contacted.  Would that automatically make me a selected person? 

Thanks. - Boy, you are welcome!

George Anderson 
(Supervisor-Oversea affairs) That’s a typo because I know a Supervisor is a person who "oversees affairs".  This was a test again, wasn’t it?!  Did I get the job?