-----Original
Message-----
From:
xxxxx@xxxxxx.com
Sent:
Sunday, September 25, 20057:03 PM
To:
info@xxxxx.com
Subject:
Consideration for Distribution - Acquisitions
To
whom it may concern,
Good
day to you,
We
are currently looking for distribution in direct to Video/DVD or theatrical
release. We, from XXXXXX have currently completed a 96 minutes comedic film
that was filmed on a HD Panasonic Varicam at 24 frames f/s.
It
is a provocative, entertaining and extremely original film that is not like any
other film out there. It is simply refreshing to the mind.
This
unusual film is entitled "Revenge Of The Buttocks", it is a
comedy/drama that takes place in a different time when the human race has
become instinct and a very unlikely body part has taken over.
We
think this original film has the potential in reaching unimaginable heights. We
would like to know if you are accepting well-made American funded low budget
films between 50k and 100k for consideration of distribution. If you are,
please send us your submission procedures.
Thank
you for your time.
Best
regards,
XXXXX
XXXX
XXXXXXXX
---------------------
XXXXXXXX
---------------------
Dear Mr. XXXX,
"A
long time from now, in a toilet far, far away..."
Do
not think I have not noted the irony of your name, which if memory serves, is
indeed French for "ass".
How proud you must be that your nom de plume has made you Captain of a
great sailing ship that finds you navigating your life's work so centered
around the unmentionable part of all living creatures (especially those
civilized - of whom, by the hoisting of your "skull and crossbones" I
can see you detest). So then,
let's to business...
I
so enjoyed your email outreach at what must surely be a difficult project to
champion. Why, the very name alone
"Revenge of the Rump" instantly repelled me had it not been for such
little tauntings as: "simply refreshing" and "unimaginable
heights" and my personal favorite: "well-made American funded". Naturally, you can imagine how smitten
I became by the very charm of your correspondence. In keeping with the nautical motif in which I've so
ticklingly painted you, it is abundantly clear to me that your success pins so
greatly on your reaching port.
And
what goods have you brought me, Captain?
"Buttocks", Captain?
96 minutes of pointing at the potty and wondering where the
"doo-doo" goes when mommy presses the "handy"? An entire hour and most of a second
spellbound by constant references to "heinies" and
"wee-wee's" set to a cacophonous soundtrack of "poots" and
"tinkles". And I'm just
dreaming of the fantastical special effects it must have! "Look, Daddy, a space
poo!" Tell me, Captain, what
characters and places will you give us in this odyssey of yours? "Constipatia, the beautiful
princess"; "The Evil Emperor Fecius" and "Tinkerbowl, the
clever little brown fairy" as they all do battle in the lands of "Toity"
and "Bathos"? Such a
lengthy visit to the restroom to expect of us, isn't it Captain D'Arse? Oh, Captain, my Captain... what faulty
compass or tempest knocked you off course? What wondrous and strange things you must have encountered
in your journey over the edge of the world.
As
for us doing business, Captain D'Asso... let's not reduce ourselves to asking
permission to come aboard a vessel that's got water at the masthead, shall
we? You're a man of the sea... I'm
a man of the sea. It's clear that
the authorities have got you when they're boarding your vessel and you're trying
to churn rum into butter and when upon query you refer to the slaves shackled
in your hold as "very good friends" of yours. Come, come, Captain... though I may
applaud you on your personally overcoming your anxiety with your fecalphelial
tendencies, tagging your film with "Based on a True Story" is perhaps
not the best way to make your grand introduction to Hollywood (though warranted
it may be).
You
run a tight ship, I'll give you that.
Your goods and cargo so carefully and purposefully stowed on-board,
naturally your long and tempestuous, danger-wrought journey brings you topside
to peer through your telescope to scan the shore for safe harbor. And there you see us, a reed woven
village full of hope and promises anew as topless sun rich natives gather at
the water to greet you with flowers and fruit. A joyous vision for you no doubt. And what exciting times you and your men will come to know
in this tropical paradise as you disease it with your taint and ruin its land
and these people to death while stealing all that they know. And though you may relish your freedom
as a marauder of civility by creating such nose-thumbing works as "Revenge
of the Fanny" (or whatever it is you've named your farcical, romp through
poopie filled references of a film) you will most likely never know your true
calling as a pirate of people's time.
But,
please do stay in touch, Captain.
I know you are shaking your fist at your computer monitor as you read
this. But, I do look forward to
your overcoming us all when you take your Academy Award for best film and in
the same sentence you say: "I could not have made this movie about asses
without the support of my mother."
A tear in your eye, and a gold man in your hand, maybe then you'll get
the respect you so richly deserve.
God's
speed, Captain. God's speed.
Sincerely,
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